"I have this rash..." - I usually stop looking at the patient at this moment because 9 times out of 10 they are preparing to show me.
"Why wrong wit my butt?" - Patient who spoke broken english who I ended up finding out had a hemorrhoid playing peek-a-boo.
"I used acne wash for the pimples I got on my crotch from shaving...now I have a rash, what can I do?" - Those aren't pimples...and do you have to say "crotch"...could you please say "bikini line" or "groin"? And that's probably a benzoyl peroxide burn you idiot!
"My niece has bugs in her hair. Can you tell me if it's lice?" - NO NO NO!! Go get the Rid! Bye Bye... I'm itching right now.
"I haven't gone poop in 4 days and my stomach hurts. Is that normal?" - What do you think!?
"I just got new breasts. Would you like to see them?" - No lie. She was getting pain medication and was so excited she wanted to show me her new boobs. I'm not really a boob-girl so I declined but thanked her for the offer.
"Wanna go for a ride?" - Old man propositioning me while I was still interning...I counselled him on Viagra. In a word....NO. How come I never get the "hot" ones? They always have to be 80.
"How do I know if these are the right size?" - Box of condoms...they were magnum...he was no magnum...
I love my job.