Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"Oxy-Morons"

Can I tell you how sick I am of people trying to pass forged prescriptions for oxycodone/Oxycontin to me? Here are the rules if you want to trick me:

1) Spell check your work... If you misspell the city, state or clinic name it's sort of a dead giveaway...

2) Don't be greedy... #270 Oxycontin 80mg usually sets off a few bells and whistles...especially when you want to pay cash...

3) Make sure the prescribers phone number is right... Now, I know you know I'm going to call...that's why you set up the phone number with a fake message system that acts like the prescribers office. I didn't go to no fancy school or nuthin' but...COME ON...do you think I don't have a vast prescriber profile with a number that doesn't include the one you're forging for?

4) Stop using the same paper... If I catch one of your forgeries I would recommend that you change the watermark and color of the next ones you try to pass me.

5) Get the DEA number right... Nuf said.

6) Wear clean underwear... I'm going to trap you and have you arrested. The fellow last month got thrown to the cement and his panties were hanging out...tightie-whities were not so whitie...

7) Don't be so friendly at the counter... Schmoozing only works when chocolate is involved...anything else calls attention to you and makes me wonder "what's up".

8) Don't use a prescriber that is no longer practicing... You really are a moron if I have to elaborate on this...

9) ...and finally... Don't call and ask me if it's ready... It will always be ready...and so will security in the store (to detain you), and 911 will be called (to alert them you're coming), and the prescriber will be called (to make sure they press charges)...and, just so you know...I have a detective that I am on a first name basis with because my pharmacy is his main bread and butter (I wish he was hot...but he's not...poo...)... Oh yeah...and I like to tell you that it will be ready at a time when there's a good line of patients waiting so you'll be sure to have an audience (hence number 6...as a courtesy...)...

...there...that should level the playing field a little...

6 comments:

sickofstupidpeople said...

You gotta find a new detective... At least I have deputy Hottie to call!

TGCougar86 said...

*Sigh* Deputy Hottie... */Sigh*

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Also, use numbers of pills, not weight.

Writing "Oxycontin, 5 pounds" like one of my idiots did, won't get you anywhere.

sickofstupidpeople said...

OMG Grumpy! That's hilarious! I had a PA-C send a script to the hospital pharmacy in the middle of the night - as a joke - that said "Mofeen, 1 gallon" I wonder if she knew your junkie???

Phathead said...

I once took a Perc Rx that was actually altered in colored pencil I shit you not.

I busted a guy a month back who had stolen a pad from a doc's office, wrote himself and others at least a dozen Oxy scripts, yet the cops didn't really want to bust him. Gotta love the police here.

azrph said...

I like to fill forged scripts with M&M's then ring up the purchase before I have the plain clothes officer arrest them. The look on their faces when they get M&M's instead of Oxy is priceless, The pharmacy makes a profit since we do not have to refund the money per the police department, and it just brightens my day. I do use Almond M&M's though, nothing is too good for my forgers