Friday, April 24, 2009

The "Pharmacy Zone"...

Murphy's Law dictates that once a patient enters the "Pharmacy-Zone" any shred of common sense or intelligence they previously had disappears (although I doubt that many of my patients ever had any anyway...except for my three favorites that still have all their teeth and can put whole sentences together). Sometimes I daydream about what I would really like to say...

Me: "Good morning, how are you?"
Patient: (sigh!) "I'm in a long is this going to take you?"
Me: "About 30 minutes."
Patient: "That long?"
Me: "Well hold on a second and let me see if I can pull some out of my ass."

Me: "Ma'am we need your insurance information to bill your prescription."
Patient: (exasperated) "I gave that to Walgreens already!"
Me: "This isn't Walgreens."
Patient: (snort) "So call and get it from Walgreens - I don't have it with me."
Me: "Listen can call Walgreens yourself. Your insurance is your responsibility...and, no, you may not use my phone. So take your no-workin', Welfare-usin' little self to the back of the line and figure out a way to dial Walgreens on your cell phone with those nasty-ass, dirty acrylic nails and get your own insurance information."

Me: "Ok, it'll be about 30 minutes."
Patient: "Are you kidding me!? That long?"
Me: (shrugging) "'ve had this prescription for a month and now you're worried about how long it's going to take to get it?"

Me: "We'll see you in about 30 minutes."
Patient: (DSHS) "I'm in a hurry. I have somewhere to be. I need it faster than that."
Me: (sarcastic) "What...did you get a job or something?"

Me: "You have a question for the Pharmacist?"
Patient: "Yeah...where is the deodorant?"
Me: "Are you kidding me! You interrupted me for this shit? Do I look like directory assistance? Dumbass..."

Me: (going to counsel) "Hi..."
Patient: (interrupts and holds out hand for meds) "I'm a "Nurse" - I don't need counsel."
Me: "Really? Are you a RN...or just one of those glorified butt-wipers masquerading around as a "Nurse"?"

Me: "May I have your current insurance information?"
Patient: (snotty) "It's medical coupon! My prescriptions are free! Just look it up on your computer."
Me: "Free? Nothing is free you idiot...what you mean to say is that everyone who works is paying for your medication and medical. I suggest you step aside and find your own insurance information so I can help the rest of the patients in line get their medicine so they can go off to work and support your lazy ass with their hard earned tax dollars...bitch..."

Me: (responding to mad patient) "How may I help you?"
Patient: "I need this filled right away! I just sat out in your drive-thru for 20 minutes ringing the bell and no one came! Now I'm going to be late for work!"
Me: So...let me get this straight... You ignored the "closed" signs over both lanes and then spent 20 minutes pushing a button? Wow...your stupidity is surpassed only by your ignorance in admitting you did something so dumb..."

...god I love my job...


Jason said...

Your blog posts are truly classic, and a joy to read. I am now one of your biggest fans! Keep up with the great stories love them.

erinrx2 said...

You forgot to mention that their brand spankin new Iphone is ten times better than the free phone that you got when you signed up for your cell plan. My favorite was when the guy who was coming in for his kid's Focalin that I got to pay for told me it was "the best $300 he's ever spent."

kurtk14 said...

Patient: (sigh!) "I'm in a long is this going to take you?"

My pharmacist will ask them, "how many mistakes do you want?"