Lookin' good, smellin' pretty and feelin' lucky...

So one of my OTC stockers (let's call her May...) comes to me yesterday giggling her ass off...she tells me the following story:

It's Friday night and May is stocking in the feminine hygiene aisle when a nicely dressed female customer comes along and starts scoping out the feminine hygiene sprays. It's not uncommon for a customer to squirt a little spray out to sniff it and see what it smells like (does it really smell like fresh linen or moldy towels?)...no big deal. Apparently this customer wasn't just squirting and sniffing... May tells me that the customer was 'trying on' the sprays on her wrist and that after she found her scent of choice she hosed herself down with it. I asked for clarification..."What do you mean 'hosed herself down'?" May says, "You know, like in those Axe commercials for men..." (now I'm laughing my ass off envisioning the female version of an Axe commercial...smell like one big Baby Powder Vagina and hot men will flock to you...) So I ask if she bought the spray and May says that the customer just 'hosed down', recapped the spray, put it back on the shelf and walked away...

...after the 'hose-down' I wonder if she went over to cosmetics for glitter spray...

The "Pharmacy Zone"...

Murphy's Law dictates that once a patient enters the "Pharmacy-Zone" any shred of common sense or intelligence they previously had disappears (although I doubt that many of my patients ever had any anyway...except for my three favorites that still have all their teeth and can put whole sentences together). Sometimes I daydream about what I would really like to say...

Me: "Good morning, how are you?"
Patient: (sigh!) "I'm in a hurry...how long is this going to take you?"
Me: "About 30 minutes."
Patient: "That long?"
Me: "Well hold on a second and let me see if I can pull some out of my ass."

Me: "Ma'am we need your insurance information to bill your prescription."
Patient: (exasperated) "I gave that to Walgreens already!"
Me: "This isn't Walgreens."
Patient: (snort) "So call and get it from Walgreens - I don't have it with me."
Me: "Listen bitch...you can call Walgreens yourself. Your insurance is your responsibility...and, no, you may not use my phone. So take your no-workin', Welfare-usin' little self to the back of the line and figure out a way to dial Walgreens on your cell phone with those nasty-ass, dirty acrylic nails and get your own insurance information."

Me: "Ok, it'll be about 30 minutes."
Patient: "Are you kidding me!? That long?"
Me: (shrugging) "What...you've had this prescription for a month and now you're worried about how long it's going to take to get it?"

Me: "We'll see you in about 30 minutes."
Patient: (DSHS) "I'm in a hurry. I have somewhere to be. I need it faster than that."
Me: (sarcastic) "What...did you get a job or something?"

Me: "You have a question for the Pharmacist?"
Patient: "Yeah...where is the deodorant?"
Me: "Are you kidding me! You interrupted me for this shit? Do I look like directory assistance? Dumbass..."

Me: (going to counsel) "Hi..."
Patient: (interrupts and holds out hand for meds) "I'm a "Nurse" - I don't need counsel."
Me: "Really? Are you a RN...or just one of those glorified butt-wipers masquerading around as a "Nurse"?"

Me: "May I have your current insurance information?"
Patient: (snotty) "It's medical coupon! My prescriptions are free! Just look it up on your computer."
Me: "Free? Nothing is free you idiot...what you mean to say is that everyone who works is paying for your medication and medical. I suggest you step aside and find your own insurance information so I can help the rest of the patients in line get their medicine so they can go off to work and support your lazy ass with their hard earned tax dollars...bitch..."

Me: (responding to mad patient) "How may I help you?"
Patient: "I need this filled right away! I just sat out in your drive-thru for 20 minutes ringing the bell and no one came! Now I'm going to be late for work!"
Me: So...let me get this straight... You ignored the "closed" signs over both lanes and then spent 20 minutes pushing a button? Wow...your stupidity is surpassed only by your ignorance in admitting you did something so dumb..."

...god I love my job...

Be careful what you wish for...

I really enjoy my days off because I get so few. More often that not, one of my patients finds out that I have a day off and has to come into my Pharmacy and be a big enough asshole that my staff has to call me. This weekend (my weekend off) was a prime example...

So...I get not one, but two phone calls about the same patient - one from the floating Pharmacist and one from a member of Management in the store. Long story short is that a patient called complaining that we shorted him zolpidem (only gave him 6...yeah right...), Pharmacist confirmed our on-hands as correct (Yeah team! Good job double counting!) and told the patient he'd have to speak to the Pharmacy Manager on Monday, the patient told him he was coming in and that it better be ready (yeah right...like you get to dictate) and when it wasn't ready he went to store Management and said he was going to get 20 friends to protest the store unless he got his drugs (gotta give him credit for being tenacious!...stupid, but tenacious...). I tell everyone involved that I will deal with him on Monday...

Monday...sweet Monday...ahhhhhh...anticipation of this ridiculous confrontation that is not going to go well because I'm not giving him a damn thing...and then the phone rings...."Who is the opening Pharmacist?" Yep, you guessed it...not only do I have to deal with Mr. zolpidem but also a no-show Pharmacist with only 5 minutes to open...and (yes, you guessed it) by the way, Mr. zolpidem is there waiting. FABULOUS!!

After I arrive and we enter the Pharmacy and see Mr. zolpidem waiting to pounce on me it occurs to me that I had intended to go about things the wrong way...I view his profile and find that Mr. zolpidem has filled 120 days worth of drug in 30 days (cash paying customers fly under the radar in our system unless you look at their profile or know them...and apparently the floating Pharmacists coming through my Pharmacy were not curious...). I decide I'm going to give Mr. zolpidem what he wants...

The doors open and he pounces directly upon my consultation window (now I'm salivating)...I print out his fill history (giggling in my little head)...our conversation went something like this:

Me - Hello Mr. zolpidem. I spoke to the Pharmacist and Management this weekend from home while you were here and I understand you allege you were shorted some zolpidem.
Him - Yes. I only got 6. Did you get the fax from Corporate? I was on the phone with them this morning and they faxed you two hours ago about this (gloating...ready to begin the fight...).
Me - No, I did not receive a fax (get ready for the smack-down Mr. zolpidem). I don't know who you spoke to, but they are obviously uninformed about what type of authority they have in my Pharmacy. Regardless, I'm not interested in arguing about the shortage of drug...I think that is a lose lose conversation...I'm refunding you the money you paid for your last fill because our on-hands are correct and I'm unable to justify dispensing more drug. What I'm really concerned about is your safety...
Him - What do you mean?
Me - You've refilled 120 zolpidem in the last 30 days...can you explain this history for me?
Him - Like I told your other Pharmacist - I do a lot of traveling.
Me - A day is a day...traveling out of state doesn't change that...I'm very concerned about your zolpidem usage. So, in addition to refunding what you paid for your last fill I'm going to fax a copy of your refill history for the last 6 months to your prescriber...we should never have filled this prescription for you with this frequency and he needs to be informed of the error. In fact...according to my calculations we will not be able to fill any more zolpidem for you until the end of July or first part of August...
Him - Well...I'm going to see him today...so I'll tell him. You don't need to fax him.
Me - That is great...I've already faxed him so your appointment will be timely enough for him to review my fax prior to your arrival.

...he says nothing as I give him his refund...

Me - Please let your Doctor know that if he has any questions that he can call me...and you have a nice day (turning to leave)...
Him - Wait a minute...don't you want to take a look at this (shows me a receipt from us with lots of notes about his fill and his conversations with people during his rant this weekend)?
Me - (He hasn't got to fight with me...which is really what he came for...now's my chance to really steal his fire...) No...it's not really relevant to the issue at hand, but thank you. You have a nice day and feel free to call me if you have any further questions.

I hope that shit-sandwich he spent all weekend making tasted good...

Yesterday's Pharmacy Hero...

How many patients really approach the counter with the intent to just pick up their medication? I mean it, really... Most patients come to the pick-up counter to haggle over the price, act surprised that we didn't have their new insurance information that they didn't give us, be pissed because the refill they requested last year isn't still ready for them, to yell at us because their doctor's office didn't fax or call their refill in or to ask us to ring up their groceries. I've gone over what I'd really like to say to each pain-in-the-ass that approaches the counter with profound intent to waste our time...but, as you know, we really aren't allowed to be assholes back. Yesterday I had a patient become my hero...

So, patient Pain-in-the-Ass (PITA) gets to the counter to find that her prescriber has only called in one of her four medications...she's pissed (big surprise)..."I was sitting right there when he faxed my prescriptions! You got one, now where are the rest?!" My Assistant can't help her and tries to direct her to the next window where we can help her...PITA is not listening...she continues to bitch...

...the line behind her gets longer...

"What is wrong with this Pharmacy?! You always screw things up!" My Assistant tries to redirect again... "Look my name up again. I know it's here. I watched him do it!"

...the line is getting longer....

I look up her name and host her profile to find that her prescriber had faxed one of the missing prescriptions to a pharmacy in another city...

...the line is getting longer...

PITA comes to my window to continue her rant...so, I let her yell (so I can make an ass of her in front of everyone). When she's done I tell her that she is right...her prescriber did fax her prescriptions in, but only one and to the wrong pharmacy and that it is filled and has been waiting for her since yesterday. PITA demands to know where the other two prescriptions are...so I say (loud enough for all those who have endured her bullshit for the last 15 minutes to hear) "I have no idea where your Doctor chose to send your other prescriptions. He told you he was sending everything to me but chose to send one to me and one to Auburn...perhaps you should call him and ask him where he wanted you to go for the other two."

PITA goes back to the register to pick up the one prescription that is ready and proceeds to continue to bitch to my Assistant...ENTER MY HERO (old lady walking from the back of the line)....

HERO: Lady? Are you gonna pick that prescription up or what? You're holding up the line.
PITA: Yes, I'm trying.
HERO: Well why don't you do a little more trying and a little less complaining...we're tired of waiting on you!

When my HERO gets to the front of the line she says, "I'm sorry about that but she was just being ridiculous. I say what I want because I'm just too old to give a shit what anyone else thinks anymore."

...I can't wait to be that old...