Ew...

Ok...just so everyone is clear... No, I'm not interested in knowing how well your Viagra works for you. No, I'm not interested in knowing what it was like before and after. No, I'm not interested in seeing your glee. ...and, no, I'm not interested in participating to see if your Viagra is going to work. I will assume that you are satisfied with the results if you return for a refill.

Thank you very much.

The substandard colleague...

Okay...I had a BF (bitch fit) on Friday. I can't remember the last time I was so disgusted...and not by a patient, mind you...but a fellow Pharmacist. I'd like a voice of reason from anyone out there as to whether or not I'm just being a psycho "yatch"...here goes....

So, anyone who's worked retail knows that transfers are a total pain in the pa-tootie. Half the time you wait on hold only to find there are no refills to transfer. On Friday night I tried to transfer 2 prescriptions from a competitor - no refills...one of the drugs was carvedilol. Patient has had no dose on Friday and has no drug left...and no old bottle (he's on the phone). I explain that he should not go without meds and to go to competitor and get emergency supply and we will get new prescription on Tuesday. Competitor refuses to give emergency supply because he is transferring his prescriptions and she says she won't get paid for the medication (What the @#$%^!!!! It's carvedilol! It's probably $1!!! You cheap-ass "yatch" I'll bring you the $1!!). I'm a little disturbed and remind her about abrupt discontinuation...just in case she had trouble with her pharmacology like she does her english...she doesn't care. She refuses. So I tell her how disturbing I find her total disregard for the care of her patient and that I find it professionally embarassing...I'm sure that is why she refused to "remember" who her District Manager is when I asked. Fortunate for me the Manager of the store could remember who the District Manager is. I ended up finding a way to take care of the patient and found that this level of care was the reason he was leaving my competitor.

Would you follow through and contact the DM?

Summer flesh...

Ok...I have to get this off my chest... What is it about summer and fat people wearing next to nothing? I don't understand.

Ladies - Why would you go out in public wearing a tight cami-top and tight shorty-shorts if you weigh 300lbs? Why why why? I don't want to see your yellow armpits and sweaty cleavage! And please...just because it's hot doesn't mean you can't wear a bra. Further, big butt cheeks hanging out the bottom of your shorts is NOT sexy...particularly if they are riddled with dimples. Now, I'm not a petite woman so I know the challenges we face...BUT COME ON!...know your limits ladies!!

Gentlemen - Beer bellies do not deserve the right to have a tight tank top tucked into your shorts. If you have man-boobs please don't wear a shirt so thin that I can see your nipples. Also, if your shorts are short enough that when you squat down and one of your "buddies" falls out the side you have two problems: 1 - you forgot your underwear and 2 - your shorts are to small. One more thing...deoderant...please...deoderant.

...and that's all I have to say about that...

I am an android...

It has come to my attention that there is a significant percentage of my patients who don't think I need to have a break, eat or pee.

Case in point:

I run to the pharmacy restroom to pee (I've only been holding for 2 hours...I have developed excellent bladder capacity/control)...and emerge to find I'm being requested for a counsel. Fatty "I-didn't-brush-my-teeth-or-hair-and-smell-like-ass" Scooter Lady is complaining about having to wait for me. I apologize for the wait and counsel her (trying not to inhale through my mouth out of fear of possibly tasting her stench). Her response is more complaining and asks me why I can't go to the bathroom on my break. Wow. I want to tell her that I don't share her penchant for performing bodily function in my pants but instead say (in my sweetest, sarcastic voice), "Aw, I appreciate your concern. Thank you. You have a nice day now." ...and walk away.

In the words of my teenage daughter, "What a 'yatch'."

I think I'll send one of my techs off to learn to catheterize me and insert an NG tube so I won't have to move... Girls, I know you're reading this...I'll take volunteers now...

You can run but you can't hide...

So this weekend I am on my way to my mother's house and have to stop for gas. Now, mind you, pumping gas has become my least favorite thing to do - I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that its almost $4.00 a gallon and that I drive an SUV...but I digress... So I'm pumping gas and I suddenly hear someone shouting my name. Stupid me - I look around to see it's one of my patients...she's waving and yelling at me from her car and asking me to "wait a minute!" She comes over and wants to know if her medication is ready. (What? Are you @#$!% kidding me?) I should have run...

Not to long ago I was shopping in jewelry for some beads for my daughter when a woman comes up behind me and says, "Excuse me...I was supposed to get a refund on my prescription. Is it ready?" (What the @#$%! Are you kidding me?) So I say, "I don't know, why don't you go over to the pharmacy and see." She says, "But aren't you the pharmacist?" I can't help myself, "No, not right at this moment. Right now I'm a mommy shopping for beads for her daughter." She said I was rude. I should have run...

Another day I was shopping in my home town at a store that belongs to the chain I work for. I get stopped in the chip aisle by a man who recognizes me. The pharmacy is closed and he'd like me to dose his daughter on Tylenol. I casually apologize and say that I don't have a calculator with me...he pulls one out of his fanny pack. (Are you @#$%! kidding me! Crap!!!) I should have run...

Amazing...

My Cousin the Doctor...

There's been a bit of hoo-rah lately about patient/provider relationships...and whether there is one if the patient never really sees the provider but just chats online or via phone. Fortunately Pharmacists have been charged with determining this prior to filling prescriptions (because we have nothing better to do).

This weekend a prescription for an antibiotic was called in from Michigan for a patient residing in Washington. Odd...but maybe they travel back and forth...odd...they also get chronic meds for diabetes, heart disease and some kidney disease from this prescriber...odd...think I'll ask when they come in. The patient professed to be a physician himself (even though he didn't understand difficult jargon like "chronic" vs "acute" conditions). He tells me that he saw this prescriber 2 weeks ago for his ongoing nephritis (hmmm) and that there is a patient/provider relationship. I had left a message for the prescriber and he had never called back so the patient contacted him and asked him to call the pharmacy. Prescriber calls and gets all cranky at me because his patient's medication is not ready and demands to know why...well, I'm having a bad hair day, my pants were not dry when I left that morning and I'm wearing a pair that are too tight (because I've gained a little weight lately) and I'm a little cranky because I'm about to start my period...so I interrogate him unabashedly:

"When was the last time you saw your patient?" (last summer...)...someone is lying.
"What are we treating?" (ongoing nephritis that I saw him for last summer...)
"What is your relationship?" (he is my cousin...and I treat him) ...wasn't where I was going with that question but good information to know!
"How do you monitor his hypertension and diabetes?" (he monitors himself...) ...can I get paid for filling prescriptions and have the patients do it?

You can imagine his delight when I tell him I'm not going to fill his patient's prescription because of failure to establish provider/patient relationship. And you can imagine the patient's delight when I tell him that his cousin/provider contradicted him and said that he hadn't seen him since last summer. I ask the patient why he didn't just write a prescription for himself and he replies that he never ends up taking medication he prescribes himself...what the!!!! Ok, whatever!!!

I have to say that a little confrontation feels good when you're cranky, but it did nothing for my tight jeans or my bad hair...

Forgers....

I used to get really offended when someone would try to pass a forged prescription to me. I'd take it personally...like they think I'm that stupid (cuz I already know they're idiots)? Then I had an epiphany (spelling?) and realized that they're too stupid to know they are stupid and that they'll never know they're stupid...because they're stupid.

So, on Friday I get this stupid woman forger. She and her male cohort are so stupid they don't even see me watch them go to their car to leave (and jot down their plate number). She is stupid enough to come in today to pick it up even though we made her wait an eternity on Friday while I talked to her prescriber's office staff...duh...big red light if you have to wait more than 45 min! ...stupid... So my favorite part is when I trick them into coming in to pick up the prescription I supposedly have ready for them. I like to position them under the camera and give them the schpeeeel about how I spoke to their Dr. and that the prescription is not valid and how the office requested that I have her come in so I could have her on video in case they decide to prosecute (then I point to the camera - they always look...stupid...)...and then (for this one) I throw in the fact that there was welfare insurance involved and that that could lead to a Federal offense where she could go to prison and become Ursula's lover (I really leave that part out...sorry if I offended anyone...). I love it when they profess their innocence and act like they didn't know...stupid... I made someone cry once...but that's a story for another day....

I'll probably get shot one day going to my car...