The "Pharmacy Zone"...

Murphy's Law dictates that once a patient enters the "Pharmacy-Zone" any shred of common sense or intelligence they previously had disappears (although I doubt that many of my patients ever had any anyway...except for my three favorites that still have all their teeth and can put whole sentences together). Sometimes I daydream about what I would really like to say...

Me: "Good morning, how are you?"
Patient: (sigh!) "I'm in a hurry...how long is this going to take you?"
Me: "About 30 minutes."
Patient: "That long?"
Me: "Well hold on a second and let me see if I can pull some out of my ass."

Me: "Ma'am we need your insurance information to bill your prescription."
Patient: (exasperated) "I gave that to Walgreens already!"
Me: "This isn't Walgreens."
Patient: (snort) "So call and get it from Walgreens - I don't have it with me."
Me: "Listen bitch...you can call Walgreens yourself. Your insurance is your responsibility...and, no, you may not use my phone. So take your no-workin', Welfare-usin' little self to the back of the line and figure out a way to dial Walgreens on your cell phone with those nasty-ass, dirty acrylic nails and get your own insurance information."

Me: "Ok, it'll be about 30 minutes."
Patient: "Are you kidding me!? That long?"
Me: (shrugging) "What...you've had this prescription for a month and now you're worried about how long it's going to take to get it?"

Me: "We'll see you in about 30 minutes."
Patient: (DSHS) "I'm in a hurry. I have somewhere to be. I need it faster than that."
Me: (sarcastic) "What...did you get a job or something?"

Me: "You have a question for the Pharmacist?"
Patient: "Yeah...where is the deodorant?"
Me: "Are you kidding me! You interrupted me for this shit? Do I look like directory assistance? Dumbass..."

Me: (going to counsel) "Hi..."
Patient: (interrupts and holds out hand for meds) "I'm a "Nurse" - I don't need counsel."
Me: "Really? Are you a RN...or just one of those glorified butt-wipers masquerading around as a "Nurse"?"

Me: "May I have your current insurance information?"
Patient: (snotty) "It's medical coupon! My prescriptions are free! Just look it up on your computer."
Me: "Free? Nothing is free you idiot...what you mean to say is that everyone who works is paying for your medication and medical. I suggest you step aside and find your own insurance information so I can help the rest of the patients in line get their medicine so they can go off to work and support your lazy ass with their hard earned tax dollars...bitch..."

Me: (responding to mad patient) "How may I help you?"
Patient: "I need this filled right away! I just sat out in your drive-thru for 20 minutes ringing the bell and no one came! Now I'm going to be late for work!"
Me: So...let me get this straight... You ignored the "closed" signs over both lanes and then spent 20 minutes pushing a button? Wow...your stupidity is surpassed only by your ignorance in admitting you did something so dumb..."

...god I love my job...

Be careful what you wish for...

I really enjoy my days off because I get so few. More often that not, one of my patients finds out that I have a day off and has to come into my Pharmacy and be a big enough asshole that my staff has to call me. This weekend (my weekend off) was a prime example...

So...I get not one, but two phone calls about the same patient - one from the floating Pharmacist and one from a member of Management in the store. Long story short is that a patient called complaining that we shorted him zolpidem (only gave him 6...yeah right...), Pharmacist confirmed our on-hands as correct (Yeah team! Good job double counting!) and told the patient he'd have to speak to the Pharmacy Manager on Monday, the patient told him he was coming in and that it better be ready (yeah right...like you get to dictate) and when it wasn't ready he went to store Management and said he was going to get 20 friends to protest the store unless he got his drugs (gotta give him credit for being tenacious!...stupid, but tenacious...). I tell everyone involved that I will deal with him on Monday...

Monday...sweet Monday...ahhhhhh...anticipation of this ridiculous confrontation that is not going to go well because I'm not giving him a damn thing...and then the phone rings...."Who is the opening Pharmacist?" Yep, you guessed it...not only do I have to deal with Mr. zolpidem but also a no-show Pharmacist with only 5 minutes to open...and (yes, you guessed it) by the way, Mr. zolpidem is there waiting. FABULOUS!!

After I arrive and we enter the Pharmacy and see Mr. zolpidem waiting to pounce on me it occurs to me that I had intended to go about things the wrong way...I view his profile and find that Mr. zolpidem has filled 120 days worth of drug in 30 days (cash paying customers fly under the radar in our system unless you look at their profile or know them...and apparently the floating Pharmacists coming through my Pharmacy were not curious...). I decide I'm going to give Mr. zolpidem what he wants...

The doors open and he pounces directly upon my consultation window (now I'm salivating)...I print out his fill history (giggling in my little head)...our conversation went something like this:

Me - Hello Mr. zolpidem. I spoke to the Pharmacist and Management this weekend from home while you were here and I understand you allege you were shorted some zolpidem.
Him - Yes. I only got 6. Did you get the fax from Corporate? I was on the phone with them this morning and they faxed you two hours ago about this (gloating...ready to begin the fight...).
Me - No, I did not receive a fax (get ready for the smack-down Mr. zolpidem). I don't know who you spoke to, but they are obviously uninformed about what type of authority they have in my Pharmacy. Regardless, I'm not interested in arguing about the shortage of drug...I think that is a lose lose conversation...I'm refunding you the money you paid for your last fill because our on-hands are correct and I'm unable to justify dispensing more drug. What I'm really concerned about is your safety...
Him - What do you mean?
Me - You've refilled 120 zolpidem in the last 30 days...can you explain this history for me?
Him - Like I told your other Pharmacist - I do a lot of traveling.
Me - A day is a day...traveling out of state doesn't change that...I'm very concerned about your zolpidem usage. So, in addition to refunding what you paid for your last fill I'm going to fax a copy of your refill history for the last 6 months to your prescriber...we should never have filled this prescription for you with this frequency and he needs to be informed of the error. In fact...according to my calculations we will not be able to fill any more zolpidem for you until the end of July or first part of August...
Him - Well...I'm going to see him today...so I'll tell him. You don't need to fax him.
Me - That is great...I've already faxed him so your appointment will be timely enough for him to review my fax prior to your arrival.

...he says nothing as I give him his refund...

Me - Please let your Doctor know that if he has any questions that he can call me...and you have a nice day (turning to leave)...
Him - Wait a minute...don't you want to take a look at this (shows me a receipt from us with lots of notes about his fill and his conversations with people during his rant this weekend)?
Me - (He hasn't got to fight with me...which is really what he came for...now's my chance to really steal his fire...) No...it's not really relevant to the issue at hand, but thank you. You have a nice day and feel free to call me if you have any further questions.

I hope that shit-sandwich he spent all weekend making tasted good...

Yesterday's Pharmacy Hero...

How many patients really approach the counter with the intent to just pick up their medication? I mean it, really... Most patients come to the pick-up counter to haggle over the price, act surprised that we didn't have their new insurance information that they didn't give us, be pissed because the refill they requested last year isn't still ready for them, to yell at us because their doctor's office didn't fax or call their refill in or to ask us to ring up their groceries. I've gone over what I'd really like to say to each pain-in-the-ass that approaches the counter with profound intent to waste our time...but, as you know, we really aren't allowed to be assholes back. Yesterday I had a patient become my hero...

So, patient Pain-in-the-Ass (PITA) gets to the counter to find that her prescriber has only called in one of her four medications...she's pissed (big surprise)..."I was sitting right there when he faxed my prescriptions! You got one, now where are the rest?!" My Assistant can't help her and tries to direct her to the next window where we can help her...PITA is not listening...she continues to bitch...

...the line behind her gets longer...

"What is wrong with this Pharmacy?! You always screw things up!" My Assistant tries to redirect again... "Look my name up again. I know it's here. I watched him do it!"

...the line is getting longer....

I look up her name and host her profile to find that her prescriber had faxed one of the missing prescriptions to a pharmacy in another city...

...the line is getting longer...

PITA comes to my window to continue her rant...so, I let her yell (so I can make an ass of her in front of everyone). When she's done I tell her that she is right...her prescriber did fax her prescriptions in, but only one and to the wrong pharmacy and that it is filled and has been waiting for her since yesterday. PITA demands to know where the other two prescriptions are...so I say (loud enough for all those who have endured her bullshit for the last 15 minutes to hear) "I have no idea where your Doctor chose to send your other prescriptions. He told you he was sending everything to me but chose to send one to me and one to Auburn...perhaps you should call him and ask him where he wanted you to go for the other two."

PITA goes back to the register to pick up the one prescription that is ready and proceeds to continue to bitch to my Assistant...ENTER MY HERO (old lady walking from the back of the line)....

HERO: Lady? Are you gonna pick that prescription up or what? You're holding up the line.
PITA: Yes, I'm trying.
HERO: Well why don't you do a little more trying and a little less complaining...we're tired of waiting on you!

When my HERO gets to the front of the line she says, "I'm sorry about that but she was just being ridiculous. I say what I want because I'm just too old to give a shit what anyone else thinks anymore."

...I can't wait to be that old...

Every Sunday at Closing...

I really don't mind staying late to help a patient out. I know there are emergencies and unforseen circumstances that might preclude one from being able to make it to the Pharmacy on time...sick children, emergency room visit, dental agony...you get the picture. There is only one day I cannot stay late - Sunday night...I have to pick my daughter up. So (as Murphy's Law would dictate) Sunday night is the night that I get to deal with the worst patients...I dread it...in fact, I start gearing up for the random asshole at about 5:30pm. Last night was no exception...

Picture this...a perfect Sunday...nice patients all day, drive-thru is broken (ha ha ha!), paperwork is getting caught up and relatively low script volume...ahhhhhhh...harmony.... Then at about 5:55pm "White Trash" arrives. Now, White Trash called me at about 3pm to request a refill on her sleeping pill (yes...I know...she waited until we were almost closed to come get it)...what she didn't request was a change in quantity from her last fill (I should have known this you know...osmosis...)... So White Trash arrives and starts yelling (and I mean yelling) at my Assistant because she wanted more this time than she got the last time. I intervene and explain to White Trash that we can fill the remaining tablets but that it won't be ready until the next morning as we are closing. You can imagine her delight! She storms off to talk to one of the castrated members of management in the store. My staff and I pack up but before we can escape she returns for more (this is where it gets fun)... White Trash starts yelling at me again (and I think this is when she really realized that her behavior wasn't going to get her one damn thing from me) telling me I "fucked up" and that now she's going to "have to pay for my fuck up"...I let her rant...a crowd is forming... When she pauses (I assume to inhale so she can continue) I speak to her in an almost inaudible voice and say, "I'm not going to argue with you or entertain this conversation with you any further...the remaining amount of your prescription will be ready tomorrow around 11:00"...and then I walked away. She just couldn't help herself...she had to chase after me and scream, "You're a fucking bitch!" The best part was watching her husband/boyfriend observe White Trash in action while he held their toddler...I couldn't tell if the look on his face was horror or embarassment.

I chose to go back into the Pharmacy before I left and canceled her refill for the following day; she can transfer her remaining prescriptions to her Pharmacy of choice.

So...White Trash...in the words of Donald Trump - "YOU'RE FIRED!"

CAUTION: Before going to the Pharmacy, please be advised...

FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW:

1. If you are picking up your medication in drive through and are not a) physically disabled b) accompanied by screaming or deathly ill children or c) deathly ill yourself you are stupid and/or lazy. Pharmacy personel know you are stupid and/or lazy if you don't fall into the aforementioned categories and (despite your inflated sense of self importance) are not falling all over themselves to help you...that is why you sat on your lazy, stupid ass for 30 minutes waiting in the drive through when you could have been helped in 15 minutes if you had just walked your lazy, stupid ass in. Yes...I know you can't smoke in the building while you're picking up your prescription (idiot)...

2. Do not attempt to drop off or pick up your prescription (or even talk to me) while you are on your cell phone...it's rude and disrespectful. Do you talk on your cell when you're in the exam room with your Physician? Don't get bitchy when I tell you that "I'll help you when you're through with your phone conversation"...chances are you'll lose your place in line and end up behind one of the other 20 or so people who just followed you in.

3. When you come to the Pharmacy, bring your insurance information. Contrary to popular belief, the Pharmacy is NOT responsible for finding your insurance information for you...you are responsible for providing YOUR healthcare information if you want us to bill it for you. Let me make this simple for you: When you go to the grocery store and wheel your cart to the register and find that you don't have your debit or credit card...do you get mad at the cashier when he or she can't look up your bank information? Think of your insurance card as your method of payment (I know that "payment" and "responsibility" are hard concepts for you Welfare Mommas to comprehend...but try to stay with me...).

4. If the drive through lanes say "closed", chances are they are closed. Now, I know I'm assuming you all can read...my bad...the person who designed the drive through was smart enough to assume you probably couldn't (it was his/her only shred of intelligence)...they used universal colors for stop and go. So...red = stop/closed....and green = go/open. If you pull into a closed lane and ring the bell we all will know you are stupid. If you continue to ring the bell when noone answers...we will all know you are really stupid. And...if you come into the building to complain because you pulled into the closed drive through and are mad that noone helped you we will know you are lazy and stupid. This means one thing for you: Get your lazy, stupid ass in line and wait your turn.

5. If you request your prescription be filled and don't come to pick it up we will not hold it on the shelf for you indefinitely. Do not act surprised and put out when you come to pick up the prescription you called in last month and it's not ready...if you needed it you would have come to get it. Do not act surprised and put out if you were not called to come and get your medication...we are not babysitters - you are responsible for your healthcare. Do not lose your temper and yell at my staff...you will wait extra (I like to call it "time out") so you can ponder over your stupidity and bad behavior.

6. Do not attempt to purchase pseudoephedrine for any purpose other than what it is intended. You know who you are...you are a "pseudo-head"...you make meth. You're not fooling me...I see your scabby face, stained fingers and rotted teeth...and (not that you care because you are a hot mess) I can smell you. Go away...I will refuse you...and if you push, I will humiliate you in front of every patient in the pharmacy.

7. Do not ask me to sell you 3 syringes and then tell me they are for your Gramma. Bullshit. If you're desperate and need a clean needle and syringe just be honest...I won't sell you any if you lie to me.

8. Do not go to store management to resolve an issue in the Pharmacy. Address the Pharmacy with your issue if you really want to get what you need. If you are just looking to be an ass and cause trouble...go see the store management. They don't have any authority in the Pharmacy, but they are much more adept and interested in listening to your mindless ranting...I don't have the time nor the inclination to do so (plus I really like it when you've gone and ranted and then come back to the Pharmacy all full of yourself thinking you're going to get me in trouble only to find that you're not getting shit...).

9. Do not threaten to transfer your prescriptions when you are upset unless you really are intending to do so. I will call your bluff. If you are misbehaving and wasting my time I will do whatever necessary to get rid of you so I can take care of my other patients. Remember...you are not a "customer" in the Pharmacy...you are NOT always right.

10. Do not call me a name like "bitch" or "dumbass"...or say "fuck you". Do not turn to other patients and try to rabble-rouse. Any of the previous behavior will get you one thing...O-U-T...without your medication...carrying your hard-copy prescription...looking for your next Pharmacy victim...

Rant...

I have something to say...and it will only make sense to a few of you...

To the "mean"-sayer... I'm not "mean". I'm "direct". I don't plan to do malicious things to you. To the one who started this "mean"-thing I say...You know who you are...and, just to be "nice", I'm going to tell you a "direct" truth: I didn't lick the gum...you got trapped and sucked into a big mess by one of your own employees. Further, everyone you told about the gum is laughing at you behind your back and calling you a neurotic mess (yes, go take your blood pressure for the 40th time today...oh, that is probably "mean"...). At first I thought it was amusing that your gossip was backfiring on you, but then I felt sorry for you and tried to defend your ignorance. Now, since you insist on continuing with your own special brand of "mean"-ness, I just listen and laugh (maybe that is "mean"...)... I do take solace in the fact that I don't need to call home when I'm away to have someone unplug my stove for fear that someone will break in, cook a roast and burn my house down...

To the "bully"-caller... This is to the "ex". Good God! Shut up! Stop telling everyone how I "bullied" you! My reputation will be ruined if they find out I "bullied" you into letting me pay all your bills for more than 3 months after I divorced you and you moved out... Please don't tell anyone how I "bullied" you into not paying child support for 3 months so you could get on your feet... Please oh please don't tell anyone that I "bullied" you into letting me pay your first and last months rent, damage and pet deposit on your new place... Don't tell anyone that I "bullied" you into cancelling medical coverage for our daughter so I could cover her on my own... I would just die if you told anyone how I "bullied" you into not working more than 20 hours each week for the last 2 years of our marriage and "bullied" you into letting me hire a maid to clean up after you while I was working 12 hour shifts... And, most recently...please don't tell anyone how I "bullied" you into letting me pay for our daughter's car, Drivers Ed and car insurance all on my own - that could be catastophic for my reputation...I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm "nice" or anything...

Gone too long...

Wow...June of last year...that is a long time...

Welcome back to me!!